New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
