My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
