Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
