You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
