can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
