Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
