I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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