But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
