Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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