I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
