My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
