Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
