god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
