I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
