I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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