you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
