Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my shit smells like andre
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
