i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
