I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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