Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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