I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
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Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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