I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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