I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
