planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She's the barista slut.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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