i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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