I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
