you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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