gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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