cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
