you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
