one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
