i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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