Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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