If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
