i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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