a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
