if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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