Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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