Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
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