you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
