well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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