Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
