I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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