The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
