You made me cry and you don't even care
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
