can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
