I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
