Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
