I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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