I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
