I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
