Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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