I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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