so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
