genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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