Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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