Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
