Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
