Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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